Leaning Into our Feminine Leadership
Me, circa 2014. Photo credit: Tiffany Knight
I’ve been reflecting on the leaders I’ve looked up to in my life as I launch my leadership coaching offerings, geared towards females.
And most of them have been…men.
I didn’t feel the need for strong female leaders for many years early in my career because I just didn’t expect there to be many. Let that sink in a minute.
As a child, I had a sense I wanted to go into business. I would watch my dad working occasionally from his home office with awe thinking someday I would be a leader within a company, too. I listened carefully as my parents and others proclaimed that I, a child of the ’80s, could “do anything I wanted”. It was marvelous to dream big and imagine there were no limitations on my career! I was also frequently told how lucky I was — that women of my mother’s generation could choose merely between being a teacher or a nurse.
As an athlete growing up, I can only think of one female coach and that was the swim team coach I had at age 7. The rest — all the soccer, softball, running, and rowing coaches, were men. When I entered the workforce in the late 1990s, I had a few female bosses early in my career for short durations of time. Most, though, were male. From the large digital agency to the stellar startup, masculine energy was at the helm steering the ship. Looking back at the most of the women in more senior positions, they tended to fit into one of a few different categories — they didn’t exert much leadership and let their male boss do that instead, or they took on a masculine way that didn’t seem aligned with who they really were as people. In one case on a leadership team that had been 100% male for years, a female leader was brought in who was challenged to command respect from others at the firm for a variety of reasons, but I can’t help but think how hard it would have been for any woman in her situation to break into the leadership team at that time.
As ambitious young women, my generation went into the business world ready to rock our jobs and prove we had what it took to be great at them. Most women I know had to adapt their style to fit a style of leadership that was rooted in the masculine. It’s not necessarily a negative. It is different from the way most of us are made. Even those of us, myself included, with a good deal of masculine energy. I believe this adaptation often happened without much conscious awareness from women. As humans, we are great at adapting to new environments when our survival depends on it.
At the same time, we carried a lot of traits into the workplace that we picked up as girls, including people-pleasing and accommodating the needs of others before our own. We were mindful to not take up too much space, or ask for too much, as these messages were ingrained in us as children and we internalized through our teens and early adult years. Add to this the fact that the majority of women my age have had to deal with some form or other of sexism AND sexual advances in the workplace, as evidenced by the #metoo movement.
Many women I know particularly in startup culture, have not been exposed to that many strong women leaders that exemplify a leadership style they admire or want to adopt as a model for their own.
So where does that leave us to determine our own leadership style?
I hear from many women that they make it work — many who have adapted to this more masculine style. We learn how to fit into this culture and function well enough…until we don’t. Until we crack open and realize it’s not who we really are. Once I had children, I changed. I didn’t admit nor did I acknowledge it right away. It felt weak to do so. I was a competitive athlete and I was still in the game as a full-time working mom— I wasn’t going to let motherhood hold me back!
Feminine instincts really kicked in though as I embarked upon motherhood, and I longed to merge my (more feminine, open, nurturing) home and (masculine) work personas, though they really felt at odds with each other. I became slightly more feminine in my leadership at work, but really, that part of me did not feel quite welcome so I mostly I hid her. For a long time. No one else was dismissing her — it was I who feared she would be seen. And so a part of me, an important part, wasn’t allowed to come to work. She was a liability, a risk to my professional life, and thereby my family’s livelihood. Even as I left the corporate world to start my own firm, she stayed mostly in hiding. So here I was calling the shots, running the show, and I told her she couldn’t come out! As a result, I wasn’t showing up and leading as my true self.
Finally, I’d had enough. What would it take for me to show up as my authentic self at work? What if I could just be me? I’ve always been a sucker for real authenticity, and I wanted to live that in my work life.
For one thing, it meant a re-discovery of the part of me I had let go of. A process of re-embracing my more feminine side, welcoming her back, accepting her fully, and letting her know she was safe to be seen. And there’s been a lot of letting go in the process. Letting go of fears, of parts of me that weren’t serving me, and expectations of another type of culture I grew up learning.
It’s felt risky for sure— there were and are still times when I think, “what if I lose things I’ve built, am not valued and loved as my full self, or supported by those I had counted on in the past?”
It’s been worth the risk, and I know it’s worth the risk for you, too, woman.
Here is why.
When we can show up at work as our whole selves — we have the ability to do our best work. We have the ability to lead in a new way. I believe compassion, creativity, and ease flow more naturally from our female energy. Our workplaces could use more of this now, no? When we are free to show up and feel safe and supported in our work environments, we bring out the best of ourselves and our teams. It’s been clear to me in the relationships I’ve built and the feedback received from my clients in the last several years since I’ve been deliberate about bringing more feminine energy to my work.
The world has never been more ready for this energy, and it’s up to us to bring it forward. Are you with me?
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